Hold it lightly in the palm of your hand.
Our minds and the subsequent thought processes are not meant to be rigid. As soon as they become rigid we experience more extreme emotions. For example, if I have a belief that something needs to be perfect. The ‘need’ is where the problem lies. ‘Need’ and ‘must’ go hand in hand. This is where the metaphor of hold your values and beliefs lightly in the palm of your hand comes into play. My psychologist taught me this, and it’s a very useful metaphor particularly for people experiencing anxiety.
Going a little deeper, in my own experience with rigidity I have noticed values spur beliefs and beliefs spur thoughts. For this discussion, lets just talk about core beliefs. Most of our core beliefs are good beliefs. I’ll use a few of mine as examples.
· Need for meaning
· Need for control
· Need to be a good person
· Need for perfection
My psychologist helped me identify these at a troubling time of my life. All of these core beliefs are intrinsically ‘good’. However, at times they have all caused me extreme anxiety, anger, guilt and shame. It was working with this psychologist and using the metaphor; hold the beliefs lightly in the palm of your hand so they can remain flexible that I could observe them for what they are. If I hold them with a tight fist, they become rigid and can seep into my skin. My thoughts in turn become:
· “I must know what this all means” (meaning belief)
· “I must call the contractor because they haven’t finished the plumbing yet”. (control belief)
· “I mustn’t be a good person because I didn’t call Steve on his birthday” (good person belief)
· “This essay is going to be perfect” (perfectionism belief)
There is nothing wrong with having these core beliefs and I ask you to please identify yours. Values and beliefs are a vital part of what makes us human and there will be times when they become more rigid. If you can notice it, observe it happening, you can begin to see them for what they really are – simply, thoughts. And then let those thoughts come and go as they please.
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